(From time to time I come across things I have written in other places that I think will benefit you, the reader. Some of them are years old and others not so old. I post them here to remind myself of God’s faithfulness and to give you hope. Wherever you are in life today there is a “tomorrow” and God isgracious…He will sustain you.) From my journals…. Where is God in all of this?
He is right here, walking with me through the fire and the storm and the weariness and the sorrow and the anger and the everything else. In the midst of uncomfortable or hard circumstances Satan wants me to curse God and blame Him. He wants me to give up and say this is not worth it. I will not. God is all I have. I need Him, and nothing in this world will make me do that because He is keeping me! He is keeping my faith, He is keeping me close to Him, and He will never let me go.
I am weary and nearly numb. I could just let myself go and sit and sorrow without hope, but I have much to do and to do wallow is not glorifying to God. I want to glorify Him spite of it all. I need your help Lord to do that. I am so sick of always having some trauma or another, some crisis or another. It is just old. Oh God, I so need Your grace and mercy to make it through each day. Please help me.
…A little while ago I was cleaning up his room some, and found treasures of the past- his suspenders that he wore at age 3 and 4, the dinosaurs he love to take out of the game and play with. The little straw hat he had from something or another, and little plastic hangers that once held Easter suits and dress shirts he rarely wore. Small treasures of life gone by.
No denying growing hurts and I am trying desperately to get used to this new way of life, without our children at home. I cannot deny, my pain is large today. I miss them so- both of them! If they were here we would not be doing anything special, it would simply be enjoying their presence.
I am trying to come to terms with this all, and I am not sure I am doing the best job of it. I sometimes get angry they are not here. I miss them and I wish things could go back to the way they used to be. Man, it is hard to be replaced. It has the very real sensation of being kicked to the curb. It is not so, but the sensation is very real. I guess it is because they are so far away and I cannot be a part of daily life in any way. My phone calls are not well timed, I am usually interrupting something. I cannot even call the other one; his duties to God and Country have claimed him for this time in life. I want what God wants for these children. I raised them to let them go, and in spite of my best efforts, it hurts deeply.
It is hard. I am so caught in the middle of both ends of life it seems. As my parents age and I care for them, as our youngest child ages and becomes even more independent, as we age and vacillate between growing together and growing apart- depending on the day.
I am struggling with it all. It is a lonely place to be. I remember things from days gone by- wanting to share these burdens and knowing that those who would listen are there, and yet I keep silent.
Oh God, I am finding myself wanting relief from all this stress and trials. You are enough, You are all I need. Help me to cling to You and to lean on You. Help me to be a good daughter and wife and mother and counselor. God, You have a purpose and plan in all of this. Help me to be accepting and welcoming of this new trial and suffering. Help me to bring You glory!