This may be one of the most difficult blogs I ever wrote. If you are my critic you will find plenty of ammo here to blast me with. If you are my friend, I hope you will pray for me.
I recently came to a crossroads in my Christian life. I had to make a decision about the Lord and my heart. You “know” me; I teach and preach on this blog about the importance of heart change, and glorifying God with your life.
Throughout this trial of being apart from my husband and all that has transpired within these past 120 (plus) days my never ending prayer has been that God would bring a buyer for the house and get me out of here so I could be with my husband again. I have pounded on God’s throne room door and the sea of crystal that surrounds His throne, and grasped and shaken the legs of that throne to get Him to pay attention to me and my plea.
We have had many talks about this, God and I have….He knows exactly what I think of this and what I want to have happen. He knows my heart- inside and out- and this is not to my credit or glory. It is to His glory and evidence of His abundant grace that He has not chastised this sinning woman…
For the past several weeks I have been on the edge of grasping something about this situation but have not been able to bring it totally into the light of my thoughts. It was as though it were under wraps and being hidden for that period of time. Last night God, by His grace and mercy allowed me to cross the great gulf of obscurity into understanding and clarity. As I was journaling my thoughts and again asking God for what I wanted the light began to dawn in my heart.
I found myself typing these words, very very slowly: “If it brings You glory to sell this house, please do so. And God, if it brings You glory to have us live apart like this….then have Your own way Lord.” Well, this was new… since when did I start thinking of any of this in relation to glorifying God? Up till that moment, it was all about me. All about my sorrow, and my wants, and my needs. It was all about how I thought things would be done and should be done.
“Oh what a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!” Romans 7:24, 25a
With one short paragraph my whole paradigm changed. Could this be what God is waiting for? For us to want His glory more than our own way? I don’t know…but it seems right…this is what has been lurking around in my head all these past few weeks…but I could never verbalize it until now.
I changed my prayer request. It now reflects my desire to glorify God more than to have my own way in this…”Oh God, help me, for You know I am just a poor and selfish and willful sinner…You will have to change me more God for me to stay in this place, this spiritual place where I am right now.”
Back to the foot of the cross I go, where as a friend of mine says, the position of worship is on my face. This is all new to my heart and to my thinking and explains why I have been so miserable. All this time, this whole thing has been about God selling the house because I wanted it to be that way. It was all about….me. Never thinking that somehow, this situation is bringing God glory as it is.
I suppose many things in our lives appear not to make sense to us, like Paul sitting in prison and stuff…but they bring God glory. I dont get why I have been so dense about this up till this point, but i have.
I have changed my praying about all this. I am now praying that if it glorifies God that He would bring a buyer and move us down there. And that He would help me to be bringing Him glory here until that time. I am not for one moment claiming this is going to be easy, because I dont know if it will be. I am an impatient person, and I am anxious to be living with my husband again! This past week has given me a taste of the life I long for again.
However, I am a servant of the King. It is what a teach, and “preach” and tell others to live. I guess it is time I step up to the plate on it in this area of my own life. In my flesh, I want OUT. But, I have to submit my heart and my flesh to what God wants.
You can pray toward that end.
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