On this final installment of the series on grieving I wanted to give you a personal perspective. So many of you faithful readers know my Mom went to Jesus on January 13. Since that day I have covered many, many frontiers of grief and loss. It has not only been losing her, but shortly after she went home, I moved away from my home, my State, left my family and friends, my church, and my ministry/job. In short, I left everything I have ever known in my life. To say I grieved would be inaccurate because I spent the majority of those months between January and May numb.
“Loss” is far too small of a word to encompass what happened to my life in those 5 months.
Now, nearly 11 months after the loss of Mom and nearly 6 months after all the rest I can tell you that I am still not over it. I still cry for my Mom, especially on days that end in “Y.” I still miss her presence so very much, I miss her voice, I miss her hugs, I miss her laugh. It happens at the most random times too…driving down the freeway looking at all the fall colors and knowing they were all her favorite colors…remembering back to this time last year as she paced the living room with her walker and looked at the blazing red leaves on the tree in the front yard. I knew she was thinking she would not see that sight again, and she was right…
I miss my friends, and have not made any new ones here yet. I miss the life devoted to ministry that I was blessed with.
Thinking back on all that happened in this last year it is a wonder and by the grace of God that I have made it without completely coming apart. I took one of those stress tests based on the number of major life changes a person has, and I scored over 150…the little monitor was in the red zone! Now, please don’t misunderstand my saying these things as a big pity party, I catalog them for the sake of those who might wonder if I can relate to loss.
Above all, this has been isolating. Those who have not experienced loss of this magnitude have no idea what to say to me, or how to respond. And those who have experienced it, like those in my family have dealt with Mom’s loss in their own way and don’t really care to discuss it.
I keep waiting for it to be over. I keep waiting to stop the intense missing, and intense grieving. It seems to the rational mind that I should be moving out of this stage, and I think I am – but very slowly.
Any of you reading this who are in this season of grieving, please be gentle with yourselves. God understands your grief, He has been there as He grieved His only Son. The Son of God grieved over the loss of His friend Lazarus, He grieved over Jerusalem.