I have been blogging this week on the topic of sexual sin before marriage and the consequences of this act. Many women come to counseling for this issue. They do not understand why sex is such a big issue to their husband, and they only know that they want little to nothing to do with it now. If this describes you, you may want to have your husband read this post today, it is written for them.
Your wife has asked you to read this today in hopes that it will help you to understand some of what is going on in her mind. You may want to go back and read a few of the previous posts from this week.
The consequences your wife bears for pre-marital sex is that although the sexual act was and is pleasurable for her she struggles in thought. She struggles because while she was unmarried these actions and pleasurable feelings were sinful and wrong and now the very same actions and feelings are no longer sinful because of a ceremony and a legal document. The guilt she feels is related to the pleasurable feelings sex brings. This is a serious detriment to intimacy. No one likes to be vulnerable and rarely will a person willingly engage in something that is going to make them feel bad. Often the wife will say she feels dirty and ashamed of her body and won’t want to be seen naked by her husband. She may be inhibited and only consent to sex in the dark.
You may not understand this at all. You may be thinking “it is legal now!” “It is not sinful now because we are married!” “Why can’t she just get over it?” “Why doesn’t she put it in the past?”
Your wife sinned against her own body, her conscience and her Lord. Sexual intercourse is the most vulnerable physical position a woman can be in “The two will become one flesh.” (Gen 2:22). Spiritually it is compared to Christ’s relationship to the church (Eph 5:31,32) and Scripture says the Spirit of God is an intimate relationship within us (1 Cor 6:19).
She may be angry with you for having sex outside of marriage. While she may have been very willing at the time deep down she is angry with you for going forward with it. One of a wife’s greatest desires is to be protected from harm by her man. She wants you to be her protector and godly leader and although it may not seem fair to you she thinks you have failed her. I have had women tell me they really wanted their then boyfriend to respect them enough to deny his passion. They wanted to be protected and cherished enough to have you say no to ungodliness and worldly lusts (Titus 2:11) even if she was a part of urging you on! In a way she has lost respect for you and may really have a hard time following your leadership because she does not trust you to lead. You may see this come out in other areas of your marriage.
I know this may not answer all your questions, but it is hopefully a place to start the dialogue with each other. Thankfully God by His grace has provided remedy for all of these things. Next time I will post more on this subject- God’s Remedy for Sexual Sin