Common Misunderstandings about Sex
Because I deal with women in biblical counseling, I handle a lot of questions about intimate issues. Women who become Christians in their young adulthood or later have in most cases already been sexually active. I find most Christian women have common misunderstandings about sex.
Sex is Dirty
The first of two common misunderstandings that women have regarding the sexual relationship in marriage is that sex is dirty. Many Christian women do not have a biblical view of sexuality. For a variety of reasons, a large number of Christian women believe that sex is something that “good girls” don’t do unless they have to, and don’t enjoy when they must do it. This teaching is sometimes passed on directly from mother to daughter or indirectly by the attitudes the daughter observes. Sometimes this attitude develops as a result of the words she overhears her mother speak with respect to sex.
A woman who has the belief that sex is dirty has an unbiblical or sinful view of sex. It is important, both for the sake of her marriage and because she has a misunderstanding about something God teaches, that she must be corrected and taught otherwise. The Bible says that God created sex (Genesis 1:31). We know this because when God created male and female, he gave each of them the physical parts that uniquely fit together. Sexuality is a part of God’s plan for a husband and wife (Genesis 1:28, 29). Our maleness and femaleness are also a part of being created in the image of God (Genesis 1:26, 27). We know that sex is good because it is included in everything that God said was “very good.” To view sex as anything other than holy, good, and undefiled is sinful and completely opposite of God’s view.
A woman’s wrong view of sex may be built on the world’s view of sex which includes pornography, sexual assault as portrayed on television and in movies, and even the sexual immorality of fornication and adultery. If this is a woman’s only frame of reference she will certainly have a less than favorable view.
Good Girls Don’t Enjoy Sex
The second common misunderstanding that women have regarding sexuality is that “good girls don’t enjoy sex.” It is very important and expected that the sexual relationship is to be enjoyable by both husband and wife. Enjoying sex is not always or exclusively found in receiving pleasure, but also in giving pleasure to your spouse. A wife should not be shy in initiating the sexual relationship and seeking aggressively to please her husband with her body. The sexual relationship “is the only place in the Bible where intoxication is approved and encouraged,” says Dr. Bob Smith in his book, The Biblical Principles of Sex (pg.38). A wife is to literally overwhelm her husband with sexual satisfaction and rather than viewing marital sex as a drudgery and a responsibility or duty that she must fulfill, to eagerly and willingly provide sexual pleasure to her husband. There are few limits on what is allowed in the sexual relationship.
Wise Communication
A woman would be wise to communicate to her husband the things that increase her own pleasure. Many husbands are very interested in pleasing their wives, and a willingness to verbally communicate with him about what she finds pleasurable will also greatly enhance his sexual experience. This is a far cry from the message given to many young Christian women and is, I believe, a contributing factor to a large number of unsatisfactory relationships within Christian marriages.
We are not a licensed counseling agency, nor are we psychologically or medically trained therapists. We offer ‘pastoral’ counseling intended to bring life change through heart change.
I agree with all of this but I would update this with a vital addition. I have often felt told by Christian worldviews, and some traditional secular ones, that women are simply not sexual and if they do happen to enjoy sex on a purely physical level (still within marriage) that doing so is wrong or un-ladylike. I think you skirted around this and would not agree with those beliefs, but I do think it needs to be clearly stated that a women can feel robust sexual pleasure, can want sex with her husband for the physical connection in a non-lustful way, and that it is even to be encouraged to seek out more sexual pleasure if it is lacking in your marriage. I am not saying seeking your husband’s pleasure is wrong, on the contrary I feel it is quite healthy. I often see women step from “sex is dirty” out into “sex is good for my husband and therefore I am a good wife to give him good sex” and then never come to the maturation of sex being a whole completion and oneness of the marriage, equally valid before God but made different, and seeing herself as a being made to also experience pleasure. Sorry for rambling. Thank you!